Voy pa'lante

What im going to miss. 

Hojaldre
Las fiestas...especialmente en bocas
La musica
Diablos rojos
Blasting a/c
The accent; the slang
The friends I've made
The Island
The jobs I've taken or passed up
The lack of cat calls. Not feeling the outsider. 

in leaving I am realizing how much I've loved this place. It's the first place I've felt at home outside of the US. It's the first place that I could actually call home. But I'm not ready. Not yet. I'm feeling drawn to go, to get outta here and see what I feel when panama is in the distance. For a while I haven't had the big question mark -- the one asking what I'm doing next --looming over my head. Suddenly it's appearing. In spurts but it's there. Stay in Colombia? Back to panama? Return to the north for summer? London? Apply for the job in India? Oregon?

I lead a very charmed life to have the opportunities I have had. It should be very interesting to see what comes of these next few weeks! I just haven't felt drawn to take the next big risk: to actually LIVE somewhere else. Like a lease, a "home" somewhere foreign, being somewhere long enough to actually buy new clothes without having to get rid of the clothes I currently have because there isn't room in my pack. I wonder what it'd take for me to make that leap...I think the right job. Or love. Or a visit back home, which reminds me of why I left. I'm noticing how afraid I am of returning to the states....gone is the draw to go back. 

For certain reasons, I miss home. My family, my Portland, interpreting, my terp crew, my bicycle. I lead a good life up north too! Maybe it's that I have been living so freely these last 8 months. I have done pretty much whatever I've wanted for the entire time. Even working was what I wanted to do! I don't want to let go of that freedom. Things just don't translate at home. 

How can I describe my life -now- in a paragraph? Everything is different- my outlook on things like time, money, community, and my priorities have changed. How do I prevent those things from changing back? How do I incorporate them into daily life? How do I go back to leading that "normal" life?! You know where I'm typing this? On the bow of a sailboat looking at a palm tree filled island. I can hear my brothers voice in the background, waves lapping on the white sand shore. The Tallest Man on Earth is playing quietly on my iPod. There is some thunder in the distance. I have nothing to do except do precisely what I feel like. How does life go from this back to the string of interpreting appointments, eating in the car while driving to the next job, paying $500+ for rent, being tethered to my phone, checking nonsense to-do list items off, day after day?

Let's not kid ourselves: I can make a vow to not return to all of that, but it's much easier said than done. Plus I'll return to the states broke in a way I haven't been since in community college, if even then. I have big ideas and plans for these next coming months, but I haven't the money pockets to make them all happen.

So that's it. The chapter called Panama is coming to a close, sailing away to Colombia. Clearly moving on means a lot more questions. I know Colombia is the last stop, and that's a hard fact to face. We'll see how it is once we arrive!