It feels like yesterday that I sat
down to write my year-end recap; my classic annual blog post. The one in which
I feel inspired to write more, to sit down and recount not only big events of
the year that has past, but to also capture the mundane moments experienced
throughout the year as well. With the exception of 2013, that is.
The truth is that I will not be
getting around to writing about that one. I accomplished a typical amount of
things that year – traveled to New York, Puerto Rico, back to Colombia, out to Oregon,
and began school for the first time in nearly a decade. My heart was still
reeling from a relationship that I did not realize had affected me so much. I
had to readjust to living somewhere I never thought I’d live again. I somehow
made the decision to start over, from scratch, in a new place that was
ironically my hometown. Externally, it looked like I had a fantastic year.
Internally, it was the hardest one I’ve had as an adult. Every day was hard on some level. I found myself extremely homesick
for Colombia – a place I had only called home for a little more than a year of
my life. I couldn’t (and still can’t) explain why I ache for a place I didn’t
seem to spend a lot of time in. I was also homesick for Oregon – where my
friend base, support network, and my growth into who I am today began. I hesitantly
pushed myself to try and make new friends and attend Spanish-speaking events in
an effort to create a new world in Colorado. But it sucked.
Living abroad made me feel
extremely disconnected from my friends back at home, and I therefore became
even more self-reliant that usual. It was a harsh reality to come back to
living in the US, only to find that many of my former best friends were still
just as distant and removed from my life, even though I was accessible in any
way imaginable. They seemed to have learned to live life without me being a
part of it, and I guess I couldn’t fault them. It was just a hard reality for
me to accept.
My time in Denver that year taught
me a lot of patience. I learned in Colombia that I am capable of many things,
as I felt pushed to give more of me than I ever had been. Colorado forced me to
have patience with my healing self, and as I told myself on many occasions, to
give myself some grace.
When you are making new friends,
there are a couple of things you just don’t do: You don’t cry to your new-found
friends, you don’t reveal your pain and suffering. I’m not sure which is worse:
Trying to make friends in that state of being, or trying to make friends when
you’re 30. Both presented plenty of obstacles. Aside from that, each month that
passed – each holiday, birthday – brought me back to a sweeter time in
Colombia. For the first time in my life I felt lonely on a very consistent
basis. And I knew there was no other place that I could be, except stuck in
that uncomfortable space until I healed, and accepted where I was, and learned
from it. That was my 2013, or as much of it as I am willing to share. Other
writings lay buried in my computer and I don’t plan to read them, perhaps ever.
They should be placed in a time capsule of sadness, only to be opened 20 years
from now and laughed at like my high school diary.
As mentioned, there were shining
moments and wonderful experiences that were had. Events lead me to deciding to
go back to school to finish my BA, something I have pondered but never
seriously considered until recently. It was time to incorporate my new-found
love of Latin America and Spanish with my old passion for the Deaf community
and ASL. In typical Sara fashion, I am decided to follow my own path and create
my own BA in Trilingual Interpreting. Forging my own road, where perhaps others
will also follow.
Although I am writing this one full
year removed from that heart-heavy year known as 2013, I am not inclined to go
back and retrace my steps, month by month, as I have done for the last few
years. It still brings up a lot, even though I am in a much better place and
all healed up now. So instead, I will let the pictures show for themselves what
shining points I had. And, just like my year of living in Bogotá, I look back
and see how I was able to stay myself, gozar
de la vida, and enjoy the bright moments since there were less of them than I would have liked.
New York & Oregon
Colombia
Puerto Rico
Colorado
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