The big city

Panama City is like a mix between Miami and any other central american city. It has terrible traffic, complete with lots of honking horns, dangerous spots, lots of churches, and cooler areas to go hang out in. The difference is that Panama City has huge sky scrapers, built right out to the water. They're going up all of the time, and going up thanks to money laundering. There's lots of money in selling drugs, and that money needs to be channeled into somewhere/something. So why not build a giant tower of apartments? Oh Panama. But, Panama has work opportunities. Problem I face each time I come to a city is the fact that the work opportunities, like the legit ones, exist there. In the states I wouldn't count myself as being a city girl, and that is especially true here. Its loud and big and dirty and there's a lack of trees and places to get away. But I could teach English, work in a hostel, or even apply to teach interpreters if I wanted. I don't think I can do it though. I'm very ready to get out of here. After spending a lot of time in San Jose, I started to wonder about things. Things such as, what am I doing here, traveling? Did I really give up all of my comforts back home to come sit in this city? I was bored and restless most days, but then inspired and blown away by the local Deaf population there. And the same thing is starting to happen here in Panama City. Hence why I need to leave! Where exactly I want to go is the question. With the holidays that are coming up, I feel like I want to be back in Bocas del Toro. The closest friends that I have are up there. And I can look for an apartment for a month...spend a lot less than living in a hostel...and actually unpack for a bit. That sounds really great right now!

I no longer question what exactly I am doing, because I know the answer to that now: I am living. In a way I never have before. To be this...free...is a very strange feeling. The only thing I have to do is be at a meeting on Thursday, and its a meeting I want to have. And after that? Well, I just need to be back in Panama City by Jan 12th for when my brother flies in. Which is awesome! Literally, that's it. And after he and I sail to Colombia, its even more open ended. Where do I go next? How do I get back home? Will I still be here for Carnival? These are things I don't bother with thinking about. I'm also refusing to carry around a guidebook after C. America. I've opened it a handful of times since I've been here. It has otherwise been pointless to heave around.

My spanish has improved dramatically in these last 3 months! I have conversations, laugh, and make sentences without having to think about them first. I can auto-correct. I can even use complementary pronouns on occassion and talk about things in past tense. I love this fact.

I have to admit...I feel like I have changed dramatically. I know that when I do head back to the states, whenever that may be, I won't be the same as when I left. I can't describe what has changed, or why, and I don't even know what exactly has changed, but I know that I'm different. I celebrated my three month anniversary this last week! I'm planning to have at least three more month anniversaries. Most likely, 5 more. And maybe, just maybe, 8 more. Or...who knows. But it is gonna be a while. :)